Four.

The next few months of school were hard to go through. Kirk and I didn’t really talk anymore at all and that was devastating for me. We would pass each other on the street every now and then but we never really would say much to each other. Usually I would give him a half smile and wave and he would respond with a head nod. It was tough having Kirk push me away. One night, I saw him at Outlaws though and was able to confront him about it. We had run into each other there, so I was able to talk to him for a little bit, even though he was drunk at the time. While talking with him, I asked him why we were no longer hanging out. I told him, “I feel like you don’t even want anything to do with me anymore.” He asked me why I would even think such a thing, like I was foolish for even asking him that. I was glad to hear him respond that way, but with him being wasted I could only take it to heart so far. It was disappointing, and that night our conversation didn’t last long before he kissed me on the forehead and went on his way. I knew Kirk pushing me aside was not because he didn’t care about me anymore though, it was because we had conflicting views on what a relationship should be like. We found that out pretty quickly as soon as our friendship started to develop into something more. Our standards were definitely different and once we found that out, everything seemed to go downhill. I guess it’s always hard to go backwards in a relationship once you go past certain points and since we had both made it evident that we liked each other and acted on it, it would be hard to go back to being strictly friends, so I guess Kirk thought it would just be easier to cut me out of his life all together. It was crushing but I knew if it was happening this way, there was reason behind it. I kept my hopes up though, because I knew that if God had me praying for Kirk to the extent that He had, He was eventually going to answer them and bring about a turnaround in Kirk. I knew whenever that turnaround came I could expect a new type of relationship between Kirk and myself to come about too. Reminding myself of this is what kept me going from day to day. It was also encouraging to me when an incident came about that gave me assurance that Kirk still cared for me. My grandma had passed away that late September and when Kirk found out he sent me a text message that read, “I’m sorry to hear about your grandma. We are praying for you.” I had been doing great all day when it came to holding myself together over the loss of my grandma but when I read that message from Kirk I just broke down. I sent him a reply saying, “Thank you Kirk. I really appreciate that!” Kirk did not have to send me anything at all, but he did, and I knew, just from that small gesture, that he really did still care for me, even if he was pushing me away at the moment.

When I went to my grandma’s funeral I saw Jimmie and Shelly, Kirk’s parents, there. They came up to me after the service and spoke with me for awhile, telling me some things they remembered about my grandma and then hugging me and telling me they loved me before they left. It was hard to hear that from them. Everything about Kirk that I was trying to suppress and put behind me welled right back up to the surface after running into them. I felt somewhat bad but after seeing them there and hearing them tell me that they loved me, I went home and cried over Kirk more than I did my grandma.

The day after my grandma’s funeral I had to return to Stillwater so I could get back to my classes again. I was an emotional basket case that whole day. That morning as I was laying in my bed, I knew I couldn’t lay there for long. I had to get myself up and going or I would end up moping all day. So in effort to try and put all this behind me once again, I dragged myself out of bed, fixed myself up and headed for campus about an hour earlier than normal. I knew it would not be in my favor to stay around the house. If I only knew what would happen when I got to campus though… Right as I got to the crosswalk to cross the street I noticed Kirk was on the other side. That darn crosswalk! It never failed that it would lead me to cross paths with Kirk right when I didn’t want to! I tried to hold myself together when I saw him, but like I said I was a basket case that day, so as soon as Kirk and I came into contact with each other, right there in the middle of a busy intersection, I said his name and just started bawling! Poor Kirk! I did my fair share of embarrassing him by breaking down on him in public. He lead me out of the street and gave me a hug while I stood there and cried. I didn’t even say anything to him before he said, “It’s okay. She’s in a better place.” I just responded by saying, “I know” and kept crying. He had no earthly idea that I was not crying over my grandma at all; I was crying over him! I didn’t let him in on that though, it would be best if he thought I was crying over my grandma, so that’s what I let him believe. My legs were shaking so much as I stood there in the middle of the sidewalk. Kirk talked to me for a little while. I asked him if maybe we could hang out later, but when I did he said “Well, I’ve sort of have started to talk to someone.” I responded with, “So? That doesn’t matter. Why does that mean we can’t be friends anymore?” He didn’t know how to respond to that, but he had to go so he told me to text him later. Then he crossed the street and we both went our separate ways. I felt pretty foolish for breaking down on him like that. I hate it when my emotions get the best of me and make me do crazy things. I apologized to Kirk later and he responded by telling me it was fine and not to worry about it. We never did hang out again though, and I had to continue to try and suppress my feelings all while still praying for him, though not to the extent that I had that summer. I just couldn’t do that anymore. It was tearing me up! 

I didn’t talk to Kirk in person for the rest of that semester. We texted a couple of times after that but not very much. Before I knew it though, it was Christmas break and that semester was over. I remember thinking,“Lord, please get hold of Kirk soon. I don’t know if I can return to school and go through another semester like this.” I wouldn’t have to either…

It was only a few days into Christmas break, December 17^th to be exact, when I received a text message from one of my good friends Danna. She said “Hey is something wrong with Kirk?” As soon as I read that, I was puzzled and called her immediately. When she answered I asked, “Danna, why did you ask me that?” She then proceeded to tell me that she saw a status of a friend of hers on facebook that mentioned something about praying for Kirk and his family. I had no idea what that was about so as soon as I got off the phone with Danna, I immediately called Kale, Kirk’s younger brother, to figure out what was going on. When Kale answered he told me that Kirk had died earlier that day, but was able to be resuscitated and was now in ICU at OU Medical Center. Apparently Kirk had been helping his grandpa and dad out in the fields that morning and while they were out there his grandpa noticed that Kirk’s tractor was not coming around like it normally would. He and Jimmie then went to go check on Kirk to make sure that everything was okay and when they did they found him slumped down in the cab of his tractor. It looked as if he had passed out. They then tried to pull Kirk out of the tractor, although it was hard because his feet got caught underneath the breaks, and began to check for vitals. Kirk had no heartbeat. Jimmie began doing chest compressions until the ambulance was able to get there, but from the time they found him to the time the ambulance arrived and resuscitated him it had been at least 30 minutes, meaning he had been dead for at least half an hour, maybe longer. 

When I got off the phone I felt numb. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I starting tearing up and shaking and couldn’t get myself to stop. The strange thing was, I already felt like I had experienced this before in a dream that I had of Kirk just a few months prior. It was the first thing I thought of when Kale was telling me about all this too, and it was all I could think about after hanging up with him. I had recorded that dream in a prayer journal of mine, but I had left it in Stillwater. I was restless as I thought more and more about it and I knew I had to go up there to look it up and read what I had written down. My parents really weren’t happy with me leaving at 10:30 that night to go to Stillwater by myself, but I was gonna go crazy if I didn’t so I jumped in the car and drove to my house. As soon as I got there, I ran to my room, shuffled through my closet and finally found the journal I had recorded that dream in. It was all too real for me as I read it, I couldn’t believe how exact it was to the reality of that current moment. As I read through it, tears just streamed down my face. This is what I had written:

I read this journal entry over and over. This dream was no longer just a dream anymore. It was unfortunately reality, everything was happening just like in my dream, right down to my very emotions! I couldn’t help but to be excited about what was happening. I knew that God was finally bringing an answer to my prayers, waking Kirk up, and starting the process of turning him around! I was also scared though, because I knew losing him was a strong possibility and just imagining that tore me to pieces. 

The rest of the night I prayed continually on Kirk’s behalf until I couldn’t keep myself awake anymore and finally crashed. I was just mind blown at what was happening. The next day, I went home and my mom and I went to the hospital to visit Kirk. I was able to go back to his room to see him. It was more difficult than I thought it would be though. Kirk was hardly responsive at all. In order to reduce swelling on his brain they had to lower his body temperature significantly and place him under a medically induced coma. When I went in I grabbed his hand and talked to him for a little bit. I didn’t know what exactly to say, and I felt somewhat silly because I knew he couldn’t respond back to me, but I was told that he could hear me so I prayed over him and made sure to tell him that I loved him before I left. My heart was just breaking as I saw him in that state. I know I had prayed for a wake up call in Kirk’s life, but I was hoping it would not have to come in such a drastic way.