Two.

     On February 24, 2011 I was at Aspen, a coffee shop in Stillwater, doing a take home test with my friend Meagan, when I started receiving text messages from Kirk.  It had been months since he really made an effort to talk to me so seeing his name come across the screen of my phone really caught me off guard.  I actually started shaking a little bit, nervous when I saw that the text messages on my phone were coming from him.   As I read them I was surprised to find that he was asking me if I would like to come over to hang out at his place.  I couldn’t understand why he was asking me this after not talking to me for months.  I soon realized he and his girlfriend had broken up though and this was probably the reasoning behind it.  I told him I wouldn’t be able to hang out when he asked about me coming over.  I already had plans to go to the Tumbleweed with some of my friends to go dancing later and I also had my take home test to finish up, so I wouldn’t have the opportunity to.  Kirk told me that was okay but to let him know if I changed my mind.  At that point in time, even if I didn’t already have plans, I probably would not have gone over to his place though.  For one, if he had just broken up with his girlfriend I didn’t want to be one of those girls that is just used as a stand in until he found another one.  I was also gun-shy.  I felt like I had been through so much drama, which I hate, in the past few months because of Kirk that I was afraid of hanging out with him again.  I figured doing that would only bring more drama into my life, and if I can steer clear of anything that I know will possibly take me on an emotional rollercoaster, you can bet I will!  But trying to steer clear of Kirk may have gotten out of hand…

    March 2, 2011… “Lord, today I saw [Kirk] walking out of a building on campus while I was walking back to my car, and as soon as I saw that we would probably meet at the crosswalk I turned the corner to wait awhile so that I could avoid him. Not to mention, I have also continued to wait an extra ten minutes after my organic chemistry class so that I can avoid running into him. My friend Chelsea thinks I am avoiding a problem that I should probably own up to and deal with. I think she is somewhat on the money. It is a problem that I feel like I need to go out of my way to avoid Kirk. Father, as I have said before, I would love to be Kirk’s friend again but I don’t think it is going to be easy. The trust and respect I had for him has been damaged somewhat. He’s actually a very big part of the reason I told You that I didn’t want any guys in my life at this time. He has just put me on such a roller coaster that I don’t want to even come in contact with him in fear that this drama will continue. Father, I have my guard up almost completely with Kirk. Please give me the wisdom I need to deal with this relationship appropriately…

A little over a week, after Kirk had initially text me about wanting to hang out again, I realized that I should probably not avoid him anymore and make an effort to befriend him again. After all, that’s what I had been hoping for all that time, so I realized I better take the opportunity while I had one. So, one weekend when I didn’t have much going on I sent Kirk a text asking if he would like to go to Sonic with me to grab a drink and maybe catch up with each other. He quickly responded, saying he would like that, and headed over to my apartment not too much later to pick me up. I said the following in my prayer journal after we hung out that day:

   
“I hung out with Kirk yesterday for the first time in a long time. It went pretty well, not awkward at all, but it was different. He wasn’t as flirty with me as he has been in the past, which is a good thing; it’s just that he seems to be going on a downhill slope. Father, the way he talks about his life and other things is really disturbing to me. He talked like he believed there was no purpose to his life. His goal seems to be just surviving day to day and partying it up as much as he can… “

About all I had heard out of Kirk’s mouth that day I spent with him was how pointless he saw his life to be and how his daily goal was just “surviving,” seeing no purpose for himself. He explained to me that he was trying to live it up as much as he could while he is in college because once he graduated it would all go downhill from there. Life would no longer be fun, so he was gonna party it up and do all the crazy things he could while he was here. Hearing Kirk talk about his life in such a negative aspect really troubled me; and after he took me back home that day all I could think about was what he had said. I knew Kirk was not making very good decisions for himself; it became evident pretty quickly when I first started getting to know him again. It’s not like I was too surprised though, the kind of lifestyle he was living is unfortunately pretty normal, especially for a college guy. For some reason though compassion for Kirk just welled up within me, especially after spending time with him that day. I really grew to value Kirk as my friend and I hated seeing him make such destructive choices and hearing him talk about his life in such a downbeat way. It was at this time that God really started to burden my spirit greatly for Kirk. It was very strange to me; I didn’t understand why this was bothering me to the extent that it was. I never felt so broken over someone else before. I knew this had to be God’s doing. He was placing a burden for Kirk within my heart so that I would feel compelled to start praying for him, and that is exactly what I did. 

I started praying for Kirk almost every day, after that afternoon I had spent with him. My heart had become so troubled over him, the way he was living, and the mindset he had about himself that I felt like I had to. I was not seeing changes in Kirk as quickly as I wanted to though. I thought it was going to be a much easier battle than what it was revealing itself to be and I also thought the answer to his turnaround would come quickly once I started praying for it, but I was soon to find out that it was going to be a long process. By the time I had prayed for Kirk for over a month and was not seeing any changes I became pretty aggravated; especially as I got to see Kirk not only not make positive changes but instead actively pursue even more things that would just crush me to see him do. I was discouraged pretty quickly. One night in particular, after hanging out with him for about an hour over at his apartment and seeing him do the same old things, I wanted to throw in the towel! I just couldn’t understand why God was placing Kirk so heavy on my heart; having me invest so much of my time in praying for him if not even slight changes were going to be made! I left his house irritated and as soon as I made it home that night I let God know about it! I told Him how frustrated I was in how I had been praying for Kirk continuously yet saw no evidence of changes taking place. I also told Him that I knew my prayers were not in vain, but the desire to see a change in Kirk take place was so strong that it annoyed me when I didn’t see it happening. I just didn’t understand why this was something God wanted me to be getting involved in. I then asked God to “please release me from this burden I have for Kirk” because I knew if that would leave, I would no longer feel that I had a responsibility to pray on Kirk’s behalf. 

After spilling my guts and piling my frustrations in God’s lap I headed to my bathroom to get ready for bed and I will never forget what happened next. As I was standing there brushing my teeth, not really thinking about anything, the verse that says, “So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up” came so strongly out of nowhere to my mind. I knew without a doubt this was God’s way of responding to my prayer. I had not seen that verse, or come across it recently, yet here it was being brought to my mind seemingly out of nowhere. I got on the internet and typed that verse in the browser to see if I could find the reference for it and it was Galatians 6:9. God was telling me not to give up on praying for Kirk. He was encouraging me not to quit, even though I wasn’t seeing anything happen right away, He was promising me that if I would not give up I would see a harvest of blessing and the following day God gave me even more confirmation that I needed to press on:

April 23, 2011… “Dear Lord, Thank You for being so amazing and working through my life. The next day, after that night of getting frustrated , asking You to take away the burden I have for Kirk and receiving Your answer of Galatians 6:9, I met up with my little at Aspen and told her all about it. The cool thing is as soon as I finished telling her about all this and got in my car to leave Aspen, the song ‘Some People Change’ came on the radio. The lyrics go like this: “He was raised to think like his dad, narrow minded, full of hate; on the road to nowhere fast , till the grace of God got in the way; then he saw the light, hit his knees, cried and said a prayer, rose up a brand new man and left the old one right there. Here’s to the strong, thanks to the brave, don’t give up hope, some people change. Against all odds, against the grain, love finds a way, some people change.” Father this was so awesome to me. For one, the way You had previously encouraged me to keep investing in Kirk was still fresh on my mind, especially since I had just finished telling Danna about it. So when I got in the car and heard this playing it was like You were speaking to me and encouraging me once again to not stop my prayers on behalf of Kirk or give up on him. Secondly, I literally have not heard that song on the radio in so long, and to hear it right then…well Lord, it was perfect timing. You definitely caught my ear. I thank You so much for speaking to me through this song and the verse You brought to my mind. Because of these things Lord, I know I should not give up hope. You are obviously at work in Kirk’s life Lord, even if I may not be able to see it directly…”

The encouragement I received from these two instances are what kept me going but as I prayed for Kirk more and more, things started to change. I found myself becoming burdened over him to such an extent that a type of love and attachment to Kirk, which I had never experienced for anyone else before, began to develop. I did not think this was ideal because it made things even more trying for me. It made the pain of seeing Kirk not changing his ways even more painful. I didn’t know why this was happening. A burden was bad enough, and now deeper feelings for Kirk were coming along with it as well!

April 24, 2011… “Dear Lord, This is getting ridiculous and I need You to help me! Father, every minute of the day I seem to be thinking about Kirk. I can’t get him out of my head! Lord, I understand that You have given me a heart of compassion on behalf of Kirk but I somewhat think my heart may be getting too involved if You know what I mean, which I know You do! Lord please protect my heart in this relationship that I have with Kirk. I don’t want any feelings I may have started to develop for Kirk to get in the way or be a detriment to the goal of bringing him back to Yourself. Actually Father, I would appreciate it if You would please removes these feelings I have for Kirk completely if they are not right…All this praying on his behalf and the goodness he demonstrates in always caring for me haven’t helped either Lord…”

The feelings I began to develop for Kirk did anything but go away after I prayed for them to though. I was expecting them to leave once I asked God to remove them, because that has usually worked before. However, this time it did not work and I had a very hard time understanding why that was. Why in the world would God allow me to develop feelings for someone who was living out there life in this way? Nothing could possibly turn out good from that! My heart was getting way too involved and I was having a hard time wrapping my mind around why this was happening. When I first re-connected with Kirk I didn’t like him as anything more than a friend and I never worried about starting to like him as more than that because I just never pictured myself being able to like him in that way, but the tables were turning on me! It didn’t help the situation that Kirk was becoming flirty with me once again as we began to start spending more and more time together. He would never would push for anything more than friends though, maybe because of the fact that I had already shut him down once when he tried to go for that. Regardless, my heart getting involved only made my burden for Kirk grow even more. The more I grew to care for him, the more concern I had for him and the for the way he was living. On April 26, 2011 my prayer journal reads, “I am so overwhelmed with this burden for Kirk, Lord. Father it hurts so much. I feel like the burden has multiplied…” I just had no idea how I was supposed to handle all this.

Although, Kirk and I had once again started to spend time together occasionally, there was a point, that seemed to come up out of the blue, where he stopped talking to me pretty much altogether. I wondered why this was, suspicious that another girl had probably come into the picture like last time; I didn’t know for certain, but I had a pretty good hunch that that was the case. The time before when he did that I just got angry, but this time it was a little different because my heart was now involved and I felt more crushed than anything. I didn’t see or hear from Kirk for three weeks, until I saw him out at the Tumbleweed during the first night of Calf Fry, an event similar to College Fest, the only difference being that it is held at the end of the year instead of the beginning. I was expecting to see Kirk out there that night, because he always seems to go to events like that. Actually I was about 99.9% sure that he would be there and I was expecting to probably cross his path, which I did! But before that happened I did something I wished later that I hadn’t. In an effort to get Kirk out of my mind and to show him that I could have fun without him, I began drinking as soon as I got out to the concert. I drank more than I normally ever had and my plan to show Kirk I could have a good time without him, in the event that I would run into him, backfired…

May 6, 2011… “Father where do I begin? I feel like it has been awhile since I have sat down to write to You. With the events that have happened lately I’ve been too restless to really even calm myself and focus in on You. I think its been one of the hardest few days of my life! It all started at Calf Fry. I saw Kirk out there the very first night. I had run into his brother Kale and after talkin with him awhile Kirk came around. It seemed to be going good at first. We were just making small talk, I asked him how his 21^st went and stuff like that but I noticed as we were talkin some girl kept looking back at us with an angry look on her face. I think Kirk noticed her looking too because all of a sudden he thought it would be a good idea to introduce me to her. He then told me it was a girl he’d been talking to for about three weeks (which made sense because that’s about the time I stopped hearing from him). I said hi to her but kept it very short…after meeting her Kirk followed me to the restrooms because I had to go. He held my drink and waited outside for me to return. When I did, I had no idea what set me off, but as I started talking to Kirk again I started tearing up. Okay so I was crying, tears streaming down my face, but at least I wasn’t sobbing. That would have been embarrassing! Anyways, he wiped the tears from my face and asked me why I was crying. I told him I didn’t want him talking to that girl and when he asked me ‘Why?’ I said ‘Because I like you.’ Oh my goodness Lord, I can’t believe I said that to him, [I can guarantee I would never have said that to him had I not been drinking] but I did. It came out. His response was something like ‘Well I’ve only been talking to her for three weeks. You act like I’m gonna marry her tomorrow.’ I can’t remember how I responded to that [I think I just stood there and cried even more] but I do remember faintly, him telling me he like me too but he though he was too bad of a person. He didn’t understand, out of all people, why I would like someone like him. ‘Why me?’he kept asking; then he began to tell me all the stuff he had done/does like drinking, smoking [and other things I’d rather not mention]. It’s not like all of it was a big shocker but some of it was… After he told me [everything, I felt like] my heart sank and shattered, all at the same time. I told him that’s not who he was and that he could change but that’s when he told me that he enjoyed those things and reassured me that he wasn’t a good guy. Somewhere in the conversation I disagreed with him though and told him ‘No you’re not, you have such a good heart, I’ve seen it.’ [He even demonstrated it that very night when he threw my drink away while I was gone to the bathroom because he thought I had had too much; and he also gave me a shirt to wear that he had just bought because my tank top was not keeping me warm and I kept saying how cold I was]. I guess he didn’t want to believe it though. I sat there, letting tears stream down my face for a little bit before he grabbed my hand and lead me back into the crowd. [I felt numb,] I was stunned by the conversation [we just had] and so broken by what he said and what he believed about himself. [After praying for Kirk for months by this time, his words stung me. I couldn’t understand why I was being lead to pray for Kirk’s turnaround if no changes were being made and were not likely to be made if Kirk didn’t even have any desire to change at all. Kirk plainly said he liked the sins he was regularly partaking in! What were my prayers going to do if I was praying against Kirk’s will? Frustrated, I followed Kirk back to the crowd and when we got there] Kale wanted to go get a drink so I [left Kirk] and went with him. I spent the rest of the night hanging out with Kale. He was super nice and I was glad he was around. I kept making comments like‘Kale, I sure hope you don’t do the stupid stuff like your brother does.’ He’d just laugh saying he tries not to and [asked] what [Kirk] had done. [The morning after this first night of Calf Fry, Kirk called me to check on me and make sure I was doing okay. He knew I had drank too much the night before and wanted to know if I was surviving. I was thankful that he called, but I was slightly embarrassed when I talked to him, knowing all that I had spilled out to him the night before. I apologized for everything and he told me not to worry about it. As I talked with Kirk that morning I almost sensed some disappointment in his voice. It wasn’t like he was disappointed in me though, it was more like he was disappointed that he now knew for sure that I really liked him. He liked me too and he had obviously demonstrated that he cared about me several times, but he didn’t want me to like him in return. He had made that clear when he told me he wasn’t good enough for someone like me. He knew he liked the sin, I wanted him to turn away from so badly, too much and because of that he knew he would probably only disappoint me if I liked him as something more than a friend. The next night of Calf Fry] I did not see Kirk at all but [during the last night] I ran into him again for a little bit. [When I saw him] he barely said hi before he ran off to join his roommate and begin drinking himself away. It bothered me so much Lord. When I went back over to where Keeton was, the friend I came with, he could tell I was upset. He insisted we go and talk and soon after I was crying over Kirk all over again. I felt so foolish Father. Watching someone you care about make such [destructive] decisions right in front of you is really hard to take in though. It just crushed me. Thankfully Keeton is a good friend and didn’t mind my breakdown one bit…Father, during that whole time I was a wreck. I have never felt so broken for someone in all my life. Those experiences [at Calf Fry] absolutely crushed me and left me carrying [an even greater] burden. I asked You to remove the burden but You didn’t. I though it was interesting though because during this time You once again reminded me of the harvest to come as I was reading in the psalms. Psalm 126:5-6 says ‘Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest. ‘ Father, I have shed a lot of tears over Kirk’s situation. I want him to know You so bad it hurts. Lord, please let Your word hold true in this case. May all the tears I have shed and the prayers I have said not be in vain but instead bring about a harvest of new life within Kirk that only You can give so that Your glory will be shown and we can have a harvest of joy. Father it has been extremely hard to go through all this this year. This thing with Kirk has drawn out over the entire school year, literally from the first to the last week! I just wonder sometimes what this year would have been like if I had never touched base with him again after so many years. What would it have been like if I hadn’t gone up to Kirk and said ‘Hey Kirk, remember me?’ that first night of College Fest? I probably would have saved myself a lot of heartache. I’m thankful for it though Lord. I’m so glad You chose to use me as Your tool and used all this to grow me in my relationship with You…”

Kirk and I hung out together the day after Calf Fry was completely over. I didn’t want to end the school year and leave for the summer on a bad note, and the one we left off on at Calf Fry wasn’t the best one! So in hopes to smooth things out, I thought I would invite Kirk over to watch a movie. He agreed on getting together, so later that Sunday afternoon he came over to my apartment and I put on “9 to 5” for us to watch. I’m not sure if it was Kirk’s favorite, it was kind of a chick flick, but he laughed during parts of it, so I guess he somewhat enjoyed it. That wasn’t the first time I made him watch something like that though; I once made him sit through “Steel Magnolia,” ( I like those Dolly Parton movies). He may not have enjoyed them as much as I did, but he was a good sport and watched them with me anyways. 

Spending time with him that afternoon was good, but it definitely wasn’t as great as it had been in the past. It wasn’t enough to straighten things out for me like I was hoping for. I was still so broken over everything I experienced during those few nights at Calf Fry and I quickly realized that asking Kirk to come around wasn’t going to be the fix like I thought it would be. I began to think that maybe what I really needed was just a break. The next week was finals week and I only had finals on Monday and Thursday, so Monday night I took my opportunity to get a break and drove home to spend the next two days there. It was nice not to be reminded of Kirk everywhere I went, but he was not completely escapable because he was still about the only thing I thought about while I was at home. The nights at Calf Fry played over and over again in my mind. Kirk may not have felt broken over his sin, but I sure was; especially after witnessing him willingly chase after it firsthand. I knew all my prayers were not in vain but after all I had been through and seen I couldn’t help but have doubts, wondering if they were really making an impact. I felt drained and I didn’t know how I was going to be able to handle this anymore. This burden for Kirk was disrupting my life! My life was going completely great before this burden came upon me. I was so frustrated. In desperation I asked God once again to please remove this burden or if at all possible at least lighten it a little! I felt like carrying it was shattering me slowly into pieces. Yet again, He did not remove it! 

I dreaded going back to Stillwater after spending those two days at home. The pain Kirk brought me was still fresh on my heart and I dreaded having to be around so many places and things that reminded me of him. I had to go back though, to finish up my finals that were scheduled for Thursday. My plan was to get them done, get off that campus, pack my car up and get out of that town; away from Kirk and everything that brought him to my mind. That is sort of how it happened, but not quite. I went to give a final presentation that afternoon and as soon as I finished that up I headed for the computer lab in HES. I just had to finish typing up a paper, turn it in, and then I would be free for the summer. I rushed through it wanting to be done so bad so I could get out of town. I felt like I had an adrenaline rush when I finally finished. I turned it in and jolted out the door; all I wanted to do was get to my car and get gone. As I rushed across campus, hardly anyone was around, most everyone was gone. After all, it was a Thursday and by that time in the evening most everyone was gone and done with finals. I barely saw maybe two people on the whole campus but as I came up to the crosswalk, now just a street away from my car, I approached the intersection and guess who was on the other side about to cross the street? Yep, Kirk, of all people it had to be him. Here I was, trying to get him out of my head, hoping now that the year was over my mind could finally get a break from him and there he was, right in front of my face. I remember thinking in my head, “Really God? This is cruel!” I told my mom about my run-in with him after it happened and she informed me that she once heard Charles Stanley say that when God has something He wants us to deal with in our lives He will bring it before us over and over again, putting it directly in our sight so that we can’t miss it. He made it pretty obvious to me here! I really wanted to be done with Kirk, especially due to all the pain he had brought upon me, I was hoping that with summer coming up I would be able to get a break from Kirk and from the burden I was carrying for him, but obviously God had other ideas. This was just another way He was telling me ‘Nope Lauren, you’re not done yet.’ God kept putting Kirk before me and placing him on my heart (similar to the way he had over Christmas Break). It was obvious to me that God wanted to use me as a tool in this whole ordeal concerning Kirk, even going into the summer. I didn’t understand it. I wished so badly I could know God’s plan; but since I couldn’t, I decided I would just trust Him and continue to let him use me in interceding for Kirk, no matter how hard it was. When I finally did get home for the summer, right away I had something pretty crazy happen that gave me more assurance that I needed to be persistent in my prayers for Kirk. My journal entry for May 7, 2011 explains…

“Dear Lord… Last night I was reading Acts and one story I read about was Peter’s experience of being imprisoned and then set free. Nothing really struck me as I read it last night but this morning as I was just waking up and layin in bed, I had a thought come to my head and it came in the form of a question, asking‘Lauren, what did they do while Peter was imprisoned?’ And my second though was ‘that they earnestly prayed for him.’ Father, You know I have been having a hard time with this Kirk situation, especially lately. It’s been so hard that I almost decided to stop praying for him, hoping that since the school year was over, I had done my part in Kirk’s life and could finally take a break even in interceding for him. You did not lift the burden though Lord, instead You placed this question in my mind so that I could answer back to You with Acts 12:5, ‘But while Peter was in prison, the church prayed very earnestly for him.’ Father You have made it obvious to me that You still desire for me to pray on behalf of Kirk. That incident this morning was definitely proof of that, so Lord I’m going to keep it up…”

I did keep my prayers up for Kirk too. God had revealed to me that like Peter, Kirk was imprisoned. He was imprisoned in his sin and in the corrupted mindset he had about himself and because of this God was placing it upon me to be like the church. He wanted me to pray earnestly for Kirk until I saw him set free. So that is what I committed myself to do, and I prayed for Kirk each and ever day over that entire summer. Never had I prayed for a single person so much!

That summer was one of the toughest ones I had ever had. Kirk was on my mind constantly. I thought the burden would let up since I wasn’t really around Kirk anymore but the saying “outta sight, outta mind” did not apply to me at all. If anything Kirk was on my mind even more than what he had been while we were together at school! He was the first thing I thought of when I woke up, about the only thing I thought of during the day, and the last thing I thought of before going to sleep. I prayed for him constantly. I thought maybe Kirk and I no longer being around each other would help me out, but it actually was a lot more difficult than I expected. I wasn’t being able to see if my prayers were making an impact because I was never around him to see if they were! It was hard not to get discouraged, especially when thoughts of discouragement plagued my mind. I wondered if my prayers were really getting anywhere? Was this something that God really wanted me to do or was this something I was doing out of selfish ambition, wanting Kirk to change out of my own self-centered desires now that I had started to like him? Was anything ever going to come out of this? I hadn’t seen anything so far so why should I think that anything would happen in the future? These kinds of questions came at me constantly especially the more I began to pray for Kirk. I wasn’t dumb though, I knew this was the enemy at work, waging a war in my mind. I had to constantly get in the word to pull myself up and fight back. I had never been through a time in my life where I devoured God’s word so much; it was the only thing that gave me the hope I needed to press on day to day while being weighed down by my heartache over Kirk. This burden was taking its toll on me for sure. I lost almost ten pounds within the first month of that summer because I was losing my appetite and sometimes at work I would have to excuse myself so I could go to the bathroom and just cry for a little bit to get everything out of my system. I tried so hard to keep my mind off of it all, but that was never successful. At work I would look up Joyce Meyer devotionals almost everyday. It was amazing how many times the issue I was dealing with at the time would be directly addressed in her writings. One I liked in particular was related to an issue I had the most trouble with while carrying this burden… the doubt of wondering if anything was really happening. Here is what Joyce stated: 

“Between seed time and harvest comes a time of waiting. After a seed is planted, the heat, moisture and pressure of the ground finally cause the outer hull to crack open. Then roots shoot down, digging their way through the ground. It takes time for this to happen, and it takes place underground. Above the ground, you can’t tell anything is happening. That’s the way our lives are. After we plant seeds of obedience, we feel like nothing is happening, but all kinds of things are happening inside where we can’t see. And like the seed that bursts through the ground with a beautiful green shoot, our seeds of obedience finally break forth into a beautiful manifestation of God in our lives. When harvest time comes, the desires of your heart begin to manifest… Are you tired of waiting for harvest time in your life? Are you frustrated, crying out,‘When God, when?’ Then you need to understand that God’s timing is often a mystery. He doesn’t do things on our timetable. Yet His word promises that He will not be late, not one single day. ‘But these things won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!’ (Habukkuk 2:3 TLB)… God causes things to happen at exactly the right time! Your job is not to figure out when, but to make up your mind that you won’t give up until you cross the finish line”

After reading that I had to journal it. It was just so relevant to what I had been dealing with that I didn’t want to forget it. I wanted to be able to be reminded of the truth that God was at work, even if I may not have been able to see it:

May 19, 2011… “Lord, I can hardly wait to cross the finish line in this race , it’s been a struggle to run; especially during the waiting period. I thank You for using Joyce’s devotional to speak to me about the many struggles of this situation I have been dealing with. The first time I read it I was so encouraged and it continues to do so. I know I can’t see everything You are doing Lord, and sometimes it may seem to me like Your doing nothing at all. I know better than that though. I know deep within my heart that You are at work. Like Joyce said ‘all kinds of things are happening inside where we can’t see.’ I praise You for working beneath the surface. I have no doubt You are doing great things. Father, I may get weary in waiting for the harvest but I know it will be worth it. I’ll cling to Your promise in Habukkuk 2:3 TLB, because even though the harvest isn’t coming right away, You say it will surely come to pass. Oh Lord please let it! Bring Kirk redemption and new life. I know everything will come to pass in Your perfect timing and You have not beckoned me to intercede on behalf of him for no reason. Your Will will be done. I can’t wait to see it Lord. Please bring it soon, until then please bring me patience during this season of waiting…”

Not very long into the summer, I called my friend Jill to update her on everything that was going on with me and the whole Kirk situation. I wanted to tell her about this devotional I had just come across. She had been there from the very beginning when Kirk even first made a reappearance into my life and I kept her updated regularly because she was always like a big sister to me; I’d run to her when I needed some godly wisdom or just someone to pray with me during the hard parts. On this particular night that I called her she brought up something very interesting to me. She said that God likes to work during times of feasts such as Passover, which just occurred, and Pentecost, which was coming up. She told me Pentecost was the time that the Lord had the Holy Spirit settle on the believers to give them understanding and later I found out that Pentecost is also considered the beginning of the season for wheat harvest! It seemed like the harvest was beginning to be part of a theme here. After getting off the phone with her that night I looked into Pentecost a little more. I found out that it was going to be June 12^th that year, and when I looked at the calendar to see how far away it was, it was only three weeks and three days away. At the time I had been considering going on a fast on behalf of Kirk and after Jill told me about the significance of Pentecost I had even more motivation to do it. I wanted to see the Holy Spirit settle on Kirk and bring him understanding like he had for the believers, so I decided for those next three weeks and three days I would take part in the Daniel Fast on behalf of Kirk; meaning no meat, no sweets, no white flour products and of course no alcohol. I wanted to demonstrate to God that I was serious about this and if that meant denying myself of things I normally took pleasure in to do that, I was willing. The next few weeks were long. Being restricted to very few foods was more of a challenge than I thought it would be. As the three weeks and three days were approaching to an end though, I was really beginning to miss Kirk. I hadn’t seen him in over a month since school had ended and so I decided I would text him one day to ask him about maybe getting together. When I did, this is how our conversation went:

Me: “Hey Kirk are you gonna be busy this coming weekend?”

Kirk: “Kind of, we are in the middle of wheat harvest.”

(There it was again… Wheat Harvest ↑↑↑)

Me: “Oh ok, I was just gonna ask if you and Kale might wanna go fishing with me at my Uncle Bill’s but we could always do that some other time.”

Kirk: “I definitely would if I could sneak away.”

Me: “No, don’t do that. It’s really not a big deal. I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

Kirk: “I’m always in trouble”

Me: “LoL, I doubt that!”

Kirk: “Well are you comin up anyways? You could come to the field.”

Me: “To cut wheat?”

Kirk: “Yea, you could ride with me or Kale”

Me: “Sure! I’ve always wanted to go on harvest. That sounds fun.”

So it was then planned that I would come down that Saturday, June 11^th, the day before Pentecost, to join Kirk and his family for a day out in the fields. The night before though, storms were coming through and I was beginning to get disappointed, thinking my plans with Kirk were going to fall through because of the rain. Thankfully they didn’t though. That next morning I got up, put on some old clothes and headed for Kirk’s house. When I first got there he wasn’t around, he was still out from being in the fields earlier that morning, so I met Shelly, Kirk’s mom, at the door and she ushered me into the living room and talked with me until he got back. When he finally came in, he gave me a hug and right away we left his house with the rest of his family, piled into their red suburban and headed towards town to go eat lunch at a place called Nachito’s. On the way Kirk had his arm behind me and he kept randomly poking at my arm, trying to get a reaction out of me. I just smiled at him and shook my head and he gave me a smile back. When we got to the restaurant I wasn’t able to eat much. I felt kind of bad because I was on my last day of fasting and not much Mexican food really falls into the Daniel Fast diet. I was able to order a good plate of rice though! The time spent with his family was fun; they made me feel like I fit right in. After finishing up eating we all headed back to the house and Kirk and I loaded up our fishing poles in the back of his truck so that we could make our way out towards my Uncle Bill’s pond. We got to go fishing for a while because it had rained earlier that morning and we needed to wait awhile before cutting so that the wheat would have time to dry out. As we were about to leave, Kale hollered at me and said, “Hey Lauren.” And I replied, “Hey Kale.” He then said, “You better catch more fish than Kirk, and if you don’t, you better lie to me and tell me that you did!” I just laughed and told him “Okay, I’ll try.”

On the way to my Uncle Bill’s Kirk asked me, “So, do you know how to get your fish off the hook?” I looked at him and said “Ya, I’ll be fine. My dad has had me out fishin with him ever since I was little so I don’t think I’ll have any problems with that.” He said, “Okay, I just didn’t know if I would have to follow you around or not.” When we first got out to my Uncle Bill’s we weren’t catching too much, a lot of sunfish mostly. It didn’t take too long before Kirk asked,“Is this all y'all got out here?” I told him that was usually what we caught the most of. He wasn’t real impressed with that though, so he loaded me up and took me to one of his favorite ponds so that we could fish there instead, apparently it was a much better spot! 

 

We fished for a while out at this pond he thought was better. It wasn’t long after getting out there though that I started getting irritated. He was catching fish left and right while I on the other hand was having a hard time catching anything; so much for telling Kale I caught more fish than Kirk! I had never fished with fake bait before and I couldn’t get down the concept of constantly casting and reeling back in. Worms and a bobber is what I’d been raised on, so this was a new concept to me. Kirk thought it was funny though, I’m glad someone thought it was. I got a laugh at his expense awhile later; he had caught a fish and was having a hard time getting the hook out of its mouth so I had to come over and get it off for him. I just thought this was great! He’s the one who asked me if I was gonna need help getting my fish off the hook and here I was, having to help him! I’m not sure if he really needed my help though, he was probably just trying to make me feel good. He gave me another laugh a little later too because whenever he caught a fish I noticed that he would always hold it by grabbing its mouth with pliers instead of just grabbing it with his hands. Once I asked him why he did that and he told me he didn’t like the feeling of fish teeth against his fingers because of the way it would scrape some of his skin off. Ha-ha, oh goodness! 

Other than the occasional small talk and him making fun of my fishing skills not much else was said between us, just surface level talk, there was a lot of silence. That kind of annoyed me, but that all changed once I finally got up the nerve to bring up what we had talked about at Calf Fry again. I was pretty sure that he had told me he liked me as well when I had told him I liked him that night, but I couldn’t remember for certain so I wanted to get that straightened out. When I brought it up he told me that he had said he liked me too but there was nothing he could really do about it at the time because he was already talking to someone else. I just said “Hmm, okay.” Not knowing what else I could say. I guess I was expecting a little more out of him and didn’t really know where to go with what he gave me. So anyways, somewhat irritated with his answer, I sat on the back of his tailgate thinking about it while trying to fix my lure. I had to fix my lure a lot because my line kept snapping with that fake bait. I went through a ton of those fake little worms he had; I just didn’t have much luck with them. Anyways, I guess the frustration from hearing his short response was easy to read on my face because Kirk didn’t take long to ask me what was wrong. I told him“Nothing…” and kept messing with my lure. He didn’t go for that though because as we all know, when a girl says“Nothing” it means “SOMETHING, but I’m too aggravated to let you know about it!” So with that answer, he came over, put his hands on my waist and said “Will this make it better?” then he leaned in to kiss me. I wasn’t expecting for that to happen, it definitely caught me off guard. That was the first time he had ever kissed me, but right after he went on a similar tangent like the one he went on at Calf Fry and started telling me about how he is not a good person, and that he was not right for someone like me. That made me so mad! It made me sick to my stomach every time he would say stuff like that! I think I was confused more than anything. I just could not understand why God was allowing my feelings for Kirk to grow so deeply, especially after asking Him to take them away numerous times, if Kirk was going to keep thinking this way! I didn’t even like Kirk any more than as a friend the first few months that I was getting to know him again and I didn’t want to like him. That all changed when I felt lead to start praying for him though. Praying to that extent over Kirk allowed for those deeper feelings to weasel their way in. I knew those feelings were probably not a good thing when I first noticed that they were beginning to develop; that’s why I asked God so many times to take them away. Yet He didn’t… He allowed them to grow and here was Kirk telling me he wasn’t the right kind of guy for me! I didn’t know what to think. Where was this supposed to go? I told him once again that he did not have to do those things he knew were wrong, that he could change if he really wanted to. Kirk’s response to me was not something I wanted to hear though. He asked “Do you know how hard it is to change?” I didn’t know how to reply to that question so I just told him “You frustrate me.” Not much else was said after that. We didn’t really have a chance to talk anymore one on one because a couple of Kirk’s newly married friends came out to the pond to meet up with us. They wanted to go cut wheat as well so we cut our fishing short, loaded everything back up into Kirks truck and finally headed to the fields. When we first got out there Kirk let me go off and ride the combine with Kale since he wasn’t going to be driving one that day, he was in charge of the grain trucks. I probably rode around with Kale for about a half an hour. It didn’t take long for Kale and I to start a conversation, but it’s never really been hard to talk with Kale. I told him once while riding around with him,“Kale, I’ve talked to you more in these past twenty minutes than what I’ve talked with Kirk all day!” He laughed and asked me what we had been talking about. I replied by telling him, “Obviously, not much,” and he just laughed again. 

I kept Kale company on the combine until he finally finished up cutting that field. When we came back around Shelly was waiting for us with pizza and chips for all of us to eat for supper. My Daniel Fast got in the way of what I could eat again though, so I had to skip out on the pizza and just eat a bag of Frito Lays. I apologized to Shelly and made sure to tell her that I was fasting (although refraining from telling her what for) so that she would know I wasn’t refusing to eat what she had brought for us because of being picky or something. Thankfully she understood and I didn’t feel so bad for turning it down. After eating, we all loaded up and headed for another field. I rode around with Kale a little longer until Kirk was ready to head to the elevator in the grain truck. I climbed in with him and we headed towards the elevators to drop off the grain. I tried to turn on the radio for us to listen to on our way there but Kirk informed me that it didn’t work. He told me that if I wanted to hear some music we would have to make our own and then asked me what song I wanted to sing. “Hmm, I don’t know,” was all I could say, so he came up with one to sing on his own for me to listen to. Of all songs he began to sing “Mama Tried.” He sang these words loud and unfortunately proud:

“The first thing I remember knowing, was a lonesome whistle blowing, And a young un’s dream of growing up to ride; On a freight train leaving town, now knowing where I’m bound, no-one could change my mind but Mama tried. One and only rebel child, from a family, meek and mild: My mama seemed to know what lay in store. Despite all my Sunday learnin, towards the bad, I kept on turnin till Mama couldn’t hold me anymore…”

He sang the words like he was singing them about himself. I just shook my head at him and smiled in disbelief. We made a few other trips to and from the field to the elevators until it began to grow late. After returning to the field from the elevator for the last time, it was dark and most everyone was gone from the field except for Kale and Cirilio, one of their farm hands. Kirk and I had to wait on Kale to finish up in that field so that when he was finished he would have a ride back home. When we pulled up to the field Kirk got out of his truck and laid the tailgate down in the back so that we could sit there while waiting for Kale to finish up. As I came around and sat down next to him he swung his arm around my waist and pulled me in closer to him. I leaned his way and rested my head on his shoulder and after sitting there for awhile I moved up to kiss his cheek, he smiled and kissed my forehead in return. He was quick to tell me “You’ve got the wrong guy,” afterwards though. I think I just sighed after hearing those words come from his mouth. I still didn’t know how to respond to that, which I probably should have by that point. He had told me that enough times for me to come up with something. 

Kale needed Kirk’s help in finishing up at the field so Kirk had to leave me at the truck by myself for a while. I didn’t stay on that tailgate for long. I was getting tired so I climbed in the front seat of Kirk’s truck and fell asleep. Not too much later the door on the passenger side of the truck was opened and I woke up to hearing someone say “Wakey, Wakey!” It was Kale and he just laughed at me as he climbed in the backseat. When Kirk came around we finally headed back for the house. On the way, Kale asked me what my favorite part of the day was. I paused for a minute trying to think… I didn’t want to tell him it was Kirk kissing me, lol, so I just sat there for a while saying “Hmmm…” before Kale chimed in and said “Well, I see how it is.” I just laughed and finally said “getting to ride the combine with you Kale!” He just laughed at me again. As we were getting closer to their house Kirk said “Why don’t you just stay at our house tonight, you probably don’t want to be driving in these storms coming our way.” “Oh, its okay,” I told him, “I have a key to my grandma’s old house only ten minutes away so I could just go there.” But he said, “No, you don’t need to be staying somewhere by yourself.” Kale chimed in around then too and said “Yea Lauren, why don’t you just stay the night here, it’s not a big deal.” So I finally agreed saying as long as it was okay with their parents. As we continued to drive down the road “If I were a Pirate” came on the radio. Kale made a remark about how he liked the song and Kirk made a comment about how he thought he would make a good pirate; then he said “Where do pirates go when they get hungry? Kale responded, “ARRRbys” and we all just started laughing. 

When we pulled into the drive, Kirk, Kale and I all got out of the truck and headed inside. Shelly and Jimmie were not home yet and so it was just the three of us together. We were all pretty gross from being out all day and my clothes were covered in dirt so Kirk and Kale both squandered around for some clothes I could change into. Kale found me a pair of red gym shorts and Kirk threw me a shirt he pulled out of his closet. The shirt read “Alcohol and Sex Awareness Week…EOSC…You don’t have to say NO, You just have to KNOW when.” I looked at it a minute and thought about how ironic that was, here listed on the shirt that he was giving me to wear were two things in his life I had been praying against! I just laughed to myself and took it anyways.

After finding me some clothes that I could change into, the three of us went into the kitchen and talked for a little bit until Kale left for town to go meet up with some of his friends. Once Kale left, Kirk started a shower for me so that I could get cleaned up; after fishing and being out in the fields for most of the day I was pretty grungy! While he was setting everything up, I put my shoes and belt in entry room, then headed down the hall towards the bathroom. Kirk showed me where everything was that I would need and I told him “Thank you,”and waited for him to leave but before he did, he came up behind me, laid his chin on my shoulder and smiled at me through the mirror. I just smiled back at him, but with a little disappointment showing on my face. He asked me “What’s wrong?” and then I told him what was on my mind. “I just don’t know what to think,” I said. “You act one way but you say something completely different!” He then reassured me, by saying “I told you I like you, I just think you deserve someone a lot better than me.” That was about the fourth time I had heard something like that come out of his mouth, the third time that day actually! It frustrated me so much to hear that, but I was still hopeful and responded with“Well, can we figure that out?” He told me we could but only after I got cleaned up, then he left the room and closed the door behind him. When I got out, Shelly had made it back home and Kirk was with her in the living room. She was rubbing aloe vera on his back because it had gotten so burned from him being shirtless while we were out fishing earlier that day. As Shelly was tending to Kirk I asked her if she was sure if it was alright if I stayed there that night. She said she didn’t have a problem with it and told me I could choose from any of the couches I wanted and then pointed out to me a place where I could find a pillow and some blankets. Kirk interrupted her in the middle of saying all that though and said, “No, she’s sleeping in my bed tonight, I’ll take the couch.” I told Kirk he didn’t have to do that, I would be fine on the couch, but he insisted. It wasn’t the first time he had done that for me though. About a month into reconnecting with Kirk I had gone to a party he was having at his house that he asked me to “please come” to. When I did, I drank a little too much for me to drive safely home. At least Kirk thought so, I thought I would be fine driving home but he took my keys and hid them so that I wouldn’t even make the mistake of trying. I tried to take the futon that night, but he insisted that I take his room. I didn’t listen to him at first, I laid there on the futon, being as stubborn as he was and told him I would be fine where I was at. He said if I didn’t get up and go to his room though he would pick me up and carry me there himself! So long story short, I ended up sleeping in his room while he took the futon. I didn’t want him trying to pick me up! The next morning, as soon as I woke up I looked around everywhere to see if I could find my keys in order to leave but I couldn’t find them. I finally had to give up and wake Kirk to ask him where they were. He immediately reached into the pocket of his shorts to hand them to me. I couldn’t believe he slept with my keys in his pocket! I would have never have found them. I remember calling my mom about everything that next day. I was feeling a little guilty because I had never slept over at a guy’s house before and I needed to get that in the clear with her so that I could get it off my conscious. I knew that probably wasn’t something I should have done. My mom was surprisingly not angry with me though. She wasn’t real happy with the reason I had to stay but she was grateful that Kirk cared enough about me to make sure I was taken care of. I was too, but that was just Kirk. He was always looking out for me and making sure I was alright, putting me before himself.

Anyways, back to that night in June… After Kirk insisted on me sleeping in his room he had me follow him back there. I stood at the foot of his bed as I watched him set things up for me. He plugged my phone in the outlet for it to charge, pulled down the covers for me to crawl under later and showed me how to adjust the fan if I needed to. He then met me at the foot of his bed and gave me a kiss on the forehead and then hugged me goodnight. He told me he would be in the living room if I needed anything. I told him thanks one more time and he left to go to sleep. Immediately I crawled underneath his camo comforter and fell right to sleep, after playing the day over in my head a few times of course! Very early that morning I woke up with hunger pains. Frito Lays and rice weren’t holding me over very well. I didn’t want to get up and raid their fridge though, so I tried to ignore it and occupy my mind with something else. I saw two bibles next to Kirk’s bed so I picked one up to flip through it. Inside one I found a prayer list, one that looked like Kirk had written up a long time ago. Each day he had listed something else to pray for. I was so grateful I came across this. It gave me a boost of confidence, giving me even more assurance that Kirk definitely had a Christ centered foundation and that my prayers had something to build upon. 

I finally was able to fall back asleep for a few hours but around seven that morning, as I started to wake up again, I thought I better get going, thinking I had probably already over stayed my welcome. Everyone else was still asleep so I tip toed through the house, gathered up my things and headed towards my car to put everything up. Once I did, I came back in the house once more to let Kirk know I was leaving. I told him “I have to go,” and then he asked me “Why?”as if he didn’t want me to. That made me feel pretty good, but I told him I needed to get back so that I could make it to church with my parents that morning. He told me “alright, well text me when you get home.” I told him I would and then we said goodbye. He fell back asleep as I made my way outside to get in my car and head back home. I text him later that morning telling him I made it home like he asked me to but I didn’t hear back from him until a few hours later. He must have still been sleeping when I first sent it. He finally replied saying “Ya, it was fun! You will have to come back ASAP.” I told him I would like that, he would just have to let me know when.