The following day Kirk texted me and asked me what I was up to. This was unusual for him; never had he text me just to make conversation.He would only ever text me before if he had a purpose behind it, like asking me to hang out.I responded to his message pretty quickly and was curious of where this conversation was gonna go.Well, I can say one thing.It did not go very far.LoL, I don’t know why, but Kirk and I sure had trouble with holding conversations sometimes, especially when texting!He was never much of a texter.His responses were always relatively short and to the point, which I actually liked because I am not a big texter myself.Yet,
I was excited that he was making an effort to talk to me and in the
midst of the conversation we made some plans to get together again.He
was going to be signing his lease for his duplex in Stillwater that
upcoming weekend and I was going to be up there as well so that I could
move my things from my apartment to my new house.I was excited the rest of the week thinking about how I was going to get to see him again.I
was also a little troubled too though, because after spending that day
with him out on the farm, even though most of it was great, I was still
not seeing much of a change in Kirk.I was frustrated with how I had been praying for him for months now and not seeing anything come of it!The
fact that he told me he wasn’t good enough for me and his mindset about
not ever being able to change and turn from his current lifestyle also
stirred in my mind. Actually it consumed my mind so much, even after praying about it, that I felt like God was leading me to confront him about it.I wasn’t sure how to do that though.I
could bring it up in conversation but I can’t always count on my words
to come out right so I thought I better write it out in the form of a
letter.As I pulled out my laptop to type it up, the words came to me so easily.My hands were just flying across the keyboard and I knew this was the Holy Spirit taking over, giving me the words to write.It took me about an hour, but I finally got it written.It read:
“Kirk
I have a lot of things I’ve wanted to say to you but I have not been
sure about how to get it across to you in the right way.I’m not very good at speaking things out sometimes so I decided I better just write it down.If
I don’t get this across to you somehow soon it’s gonna drive me crazy
and by the time you finish reading this you might think I’m crazy
anyways, but I’m not gonna let that stop me, so here it goes.
First
of all, I wanted to tell you how excited I was that we met up again
this past year and that we were able to reconnect after so long.I had no idea I would end up having such a good friend and I am so thankful for that.I’ve
gotten to see what an amazing heart you have and that has given me a
lot of hope for you because Proverbs 27:19 says that ‘the heart reflects
the real person’ and that means the real you is pretty amazing.I
know you think you are a bad person because of the mistakes you have
made but you’ve got to stop believing that because it isn’t true. Your past does not define who you are and what you will become.
Kirk, I don’t know your whole past, and it doesn’t really matter because it’s not important.It really bothers me though that you think your past makes you not good enough for me. I may not have done the exact things you have, but I can guarantee you that I’m not anywhere close to perfect either. All of us have fallen short in some way or another.I don’t want you to think of yourself as anything less than the great person that you are.I wish you could see that in yourself the way I do.Yea, there may be a few things in your life that need to be changed but we all have things we need to work on.
The other day when I told you that you could make changes you asked me ‘Do you know how hard it is to change?’I
didn’t really give you much of an answer to your question except to
tell you that you frustrate me lol, but as I’ve had time to think about
it more I can easily agree with you that yes it is pretty hard,
especially if you try to change on your own strength and especially when
it comes to dealing with issues that have been a part of your life for
so long.It is not impossible though!Remember that you can do anything through Christ who will give you the strength to overcome.No, it may not be easy to fight against the desires of your flesh, but it’s so worth it. God is just standing by waiting for you to ask him for his help.He
‘knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust’ (Psalm 103:14)
and because of that He knows we need his strength to overcome the things
that we struggle with. Kirk, I believe that you can start making changes if you really wanted to.I’m not trying to pressure you to do so but I really hope you will eventually for your own sake.It’s so important to me that you know your decision of whether or not you wanted to start making changes does notaffect the way I care about or think of you though.I like you for who you are and where you are at.I just like you enough to want what’s better for you.Because of that, I can’t sit around and watch you make these destructive choices without saying anything at all.Remember
that the‘thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy’ but God’s
‘purpose is to give you a rich and satisfying life’ (John 10:10).God wants to give you so much more than what you have chosen for yourself!It’s all up to you which road you want to pursue though. I
want you to know that if you ever do decide that you want to try and
put those things behind you, you wouldn’t have to do it alone.I would be right here to help and encourage you.‘A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer…’ (Ecclesiastes 4:12).Kirk, I don’t want to see the enemy steal from you anymore.You deserve much better out of life and that is the truth no matter what you think.Don’t let the devil deceive you anymore and drag you into the same old traps!
I know this might be a lot to take in and you may not know how to respond, but that’s okay.I just had to get all this across to you somehow.I care about you a lot and I’ll be praying for you as I already have been. God has laid you so heavy on my heart this past year.I’ve never had such a burden for someone in all my life.I haven’t much liked it either, I definitely didn’t ask for it and a few times I’ve even tried to ignore it.I’ve
wanted to quit praying for you so many times because it hasn’t been
easy, but every time I came so close to doing so, God always pushed me
not to give up on you.He has big plans for you Kirk,
‘…plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a
future’ (Jeremiah 29:11).I can’t wait to see those plans played out in your life.I
don’t know how saying all this might change your perspective of me, I
may be risking a friendship right here and you might even think I’m
crazy.I hope those things are not the case, but if they are I guess that’s okay.I had to take this risk anyway and be completely open with you.I want you to know that I treasure your friendship so much and I’ll always be here for you no matter what.Please don’t forget that! ♥ Lauren.”
I
reread the letter about a million times after writing it and I decided I
would give it to him that coming Saturday when we planned to meet up in
Stillwater.The night before Saturday I was getting nervous
about giving it to him though and started second guessing myself about
going through with it or not.I knew deep down that’s what God was calling me to do, but I almost didn’t want to.Things
were going in a good direction between me and Kirk and I knew giving
him a letter like this could possibly jeopardize it all and maybe even
scare him away from me for good, even just as friends! I was scared, I
didn’t want to lose his friendship, but I also knew this was something
God was leading me to do and it would be worse to disobey Him.It was brought to my mind that if I didn’t confront Kirk about this, what other friend of his would?I
knew I had to take the risk and present this letter to him even if it
meant that I might possibly lose his friendship, so that following
Saturday I had the letter printed off and I put in an envelope with his
name on it.I sat it on the counter in my kitchen along with
his shirt that he had let me borrow to sleep in during the night I had
stayed over during harvest and a package of fake bait (I had gone
through so many of his when he took me fishing that I thought I better
replace them).
Kirk showed up at my house mid afternoon that Saturday.As soon as he walked in we both said hi to each other, talked slightly, and then I asked him if he would like to see my house.I
showed him the downstairs, my kitchen, bedroom and bathroom and then I
took him upstairs to show him where my roommates would be living. He
followed me around as I showed him everything, but once I ran out of
things to show him I knew I probably better give him that letter and get
it over with.We stood there talking at the top of the
stairs when I finally told him “I have something I need to give you,
wait here and I’ll be back.”He waited for me at the top of the stairs while I ran to the kitchen to grab the letter.As
I climbed back up the stairs and met up with him once again, we both
sat down on the top of the staircase and I handed it to him.He was surprised when he opened up the envelope.“You wrote me a letter?”“Yea,”
I told him“there’s just been a lot on my mind that I have felt like I
needed to tell you but not for sure how, so I just thought I’d just
write it out.”He then began reading it as I sat next to him.I started shaking a little bit as he read it to himself.I was so nervous of how he would respond to it.When he finally finished it he turned to me and said “I don’t think you’re crazy” and then pulled me in to give me a hug.I was so relieved.I told him I was so nervous about giving that to him.He laughed and told me he could tell, mostly because he could see that I was still shaking from nervousness.I told him I was just so anxious about the way he would respond to it.“Did I respond to it in the right way?” he asked.I told him “I guess so,” I didn’t really know what to expect.As long as he wasn’t me kicking me to the sidelines I was okay.Kirk
stayed with me the rest of the afternoon until he had to leave to make
it back home in time for a family get together they were having that
evening.When he was about to leave I followed him to the driveway so that we could say our goodbyes and then go our separate ways. We
texted a few different times after that day but I wasn’t seeing much of
a pursuit from Kirk any other way, even him texting me was not very
common.Kirk and I didn’t hang out anymore that summer at all.I
was disappointed because I really thought it might be going somewhere,
but I knew that if it wasn’t going anywhere it was probably for good
reason, even though I didn’t like it.He only made one other attempt to get together with me.He
was coming to my hometown to go to an auction and sent me a text asking
if I would like to maybe join him for lunch but at the time I was out
of town volunteering as a camp sponsor at Falls Creek, so I was unable
to.Even though I may not have been able to join him that day, I was glad Kirk had contacted me. It gave me some hope and I thought maybe when school started back up things between us might be able to progress a little more.In the meantime, I would just have to keep on trudging through this ordeal, not understanding a bit of it!
July 26, 2011… “‘…I was given a thorn in my flesh… Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need.My
power works best in weakness.’So now I am glad to boast about my
weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me.’ -2
Corinthians 12:7-9.
Father I feel like I can relate to Paul.These
feelings that I have for Kirk, the ones I have asked You numerous times
to take away (especially when I first began to recognize them coming
on),feel like a thorn in my flesh.I realize
now that one reason You allowed this to happen was so that Your power
could and will work through me the most effectively.Lord, I
pray that You would change my perspective about all this because at the
moment I’m having a hard time seeing this thorn in my flesh in Your
light.What my eyes first see when I look at these feelings
You have given me for Kirk is something the enemy can and already has
used against me.It’s something that makes fear and worry come into my life a little easier.I
mean, think about it; if I didn’t care for Kirk on this deeper level I
wouldn’t worry so much about his lifestyle choices and I would not give
in so easily to the fears I have of being crushed as a result.Paul once said to the Corinthians ‘I am afraid I will be grieved because many of you have not given up your old sins.You have not repented of your impurity, sexual immorality, and eagerness for lustful pleasure’ (2 Corinthians 12:21).Lord, when I go back to school I have the same fear about Kirk as Paul had about the Corinthians.Even the thought of him once again running full speed back into those sins once school starts makes me nauseous.This
‘thorn in my flesh’ makes the thought of that even more difficult to
bear because it’s a lot more difficult to watch someone you care about
make wrong choices than it is with someone you don’t have strong
attachments to. I don’t have to give in to that fear though
Father because even if Kirk does return to those sins he’s not going to
stay there for long.How do I know that? I know because You placed a burden within me to intercede on behalf of Kirk and would not allow me to quit.You even placed confirmations before me left and right when I ran into doubts that You had really called me to pray for him.Father this has been a long on-going thing.A lot of time has been spent devoted to this.I
know You would not have called me to devote the time and effort into
praying for Kirk if You weren’t going to bring something out of it. Father I know the question is not if but when.I know revelation, healing, and spiritual awakening will come into Kirk’s life.I just don’t know when.Father, the evil one tries to make me doubt this when I fail to see the product of my prayers right away.Please protect me from that Lord because it’s a lie.You did not call me to pray for Kirk for my own gain. Sure, it’s been a test of faith and I am gaining through this situation but the main concern has always been about Kirk.Lord, You called me to it and You are always faithful so I believe that You are going to come through.Please protect me from the doubts, fears and frustrations that come my way during this period of waiting.Please help me to remember the question is not if You come through, but when You come through.Lord, I praise You that You are going to come through for me and for Kirk.You are already in the process.You are going to take away all the anguish and tears I have shed for Kirk and replace them with comfort.You are going to draw Kirk back to Yourself with great care and bring him back from the distant land of the enemy (Jeremiah 31).Oh Lord, I can hardly wait to see that day come to pass. Please work in his life quickly so that this day can come soon.As
far as looking at current circumstances go Father, please no longer
allow them to bring me down, for we are called to live by what we
believe not by what we see (2 Corinthians 5:7) and I know that what You
have lead me to believe should leave me only with joy and peace not
concern and worry…”
As
school came closer and closer I became more anxious for summer to end. I
wanted to see Kirk and find out if my full summer of praying on his
behalf had made an impact I could finally see.I hadn’t been hearing from him, so I was really curious.There was one night I did actually hear from him though before school began; it was on a Thursday at 2:36 in the morning!I obviously didn’t answer but he left me a voicemail that said “Hey I was just callin to see what you was doin.This is Kirk.I highly doubt your gonna call me back this late at night, but you get this… give me a shout.Bye.” I was so excited when I saw that he had called me.I replayed his voicemail over and over, but eventually I tried to make myself stop. I
loved hearing from him and realizing that he had been thinking about
me, but the fact that he called me at 2:36 in the morning wasn’t very
promising.It was a pretty good indicator that he had been
drinking, because had he been sober, he probably would not have called
me at that hour.I tried to let my excitement subside.I
was hopeful, but knowing how Kirk had disappointed me in the past, I
was trying to be cautious and look out for myself emotionally.My
relationship with him had just been such a roller coaster and I wasn’t
sure how many more gut-wrenching falls I could take before crashing and
burning.
The first week back to school was pretty eventful.On my second night back into Stillwater, I went out on the town with my friends Meagan and Jessica.We just wanted to get out and have some fun before school kicked off on Monday. While we were out, I ran into Kirk at a bar called Outlaws.He was drunk but when I saw him I gave him a hug and we talked just shortly.He told me I needed to call him the next day and we could hang out.I told him he could call me, but he responded by saying “No, I’ll probably forget.You call me.”Then I responded with, “Kirk, if you really want to see me, you will call me.”He just kind of laughed and said “Ok, well I gotta get going to find my ride, but I’ll talk to you later.”Then he gave me a peck on the lips and went on his way.
The next morning he texted me and this is how our conversation went:
Kirk: “Lunch?? My Treat.”
Me: “Sure that sounds great, I’d like that.”
Kirk: “Want to come over?”
Me: “Right now?”
Kirk: “Yup”
Me:
“Ok, I am still a little grungy from being out last night, but give me
an hour or so to get myself cleaned up and I’ll come over.”
Kirk:“Ok sounds good”
So anyways, I ended up going to his house right around lunch time.However, we never ended up going to lunch.As soon as I showed up at his house we ended up just watching a few movies. His roommates were in the living room using the TV in there, so we went back to his room to watch them.As soon as we got back there he cuddled me for most of the time.I didn’t really mind. I enjoyed him holding me tight.However,
there were a few times where he tried to go a little further than what I
wanted, doing things that I did not find appropriate.I
kept telling him we couldn’t do those things but he kept trying to
entice me to go further no matter how many times I told him I wouldn’t
go there.I told him it was not right and tried to stop him when he would try but he kept throwing questions at me like “Why is it wrong?I’m not hurting you.”I
really didn’t know what to say. I guess it was one of those things
where you have a perfect response after the situation happens but when
you’re in the middle of it you brain turns to mush and you can’t think
of a word to say.After about 5 hours of being with him that afternoon we were both starving so we got in his pickup and headed to Sonic.The whole time we barely said a word to each other. If you didn’t know, it would seem like we were awkwardly just getting to know each other.I mean seriously, I hadn’t seen him all summer and we could barely hold a conversation.Everything was so surface level.When
we got back to his house we ate our supper and then began another movie
in the living room with his roommates, except he sat on the far other
side of the room.It was kind of weird and I didn’t stay
much longer. I had to leave to go to a meeting for my sorority but Kirk
followed me out the door gave me a peck on the lips and told me to text
him later.
As soon as I left his house I went straight to my friend Danna’s house and told her what had happened.She warned me that I could not let this go on any further.If
I did, and I allowed for us to develop a relationship at this point in
time I would only get my heart broken even more than what it would if I
put a stop to it now.I knew she was right, but it was kind of hard for me to grasp.I
had my hopes up that Kirk would have turned around over the summer and
that by the time school started we would be able to develop our
friendship in a different way, meaning having it Christ-centered and on a
deeper level.Well it changed all right, but not in the way I wanted it to.Purely physical, that’s all it had become, at least for Kirk. The
next day I wanted to meet up with Kirk so that I would be able to tell
him that I think we might better put a stop to the physical stuff while
we still could, because his friendship meant way too much to me for
something like that to mess it all up.The last thing I
wanted was to lose him as a friend, and I wanted so badly to get that
across to him. So anyways, that morning I sent him a text asking him if
he would like to go grab a snow cone with me later that night and he
said “Maybe, I’ve got class until 5.”I said “that’s okay I was thinking more around 7:00” and he replied with “Ok, I’ll give you a shout later.”
Well, all day I played through my head what I wanted to say to Kirk over and over.I couldn’t really even pay attention in my classes because I was so nervous of how this was all going to turn out.About
6:00 that night I went over to Danna’s because I needed some prayer
support before all of this took place, and I needed some help in calming
my nerves.I ended up not having any reason for worry though, because 7:00 came around and I never heard from Kirk.I was crushed, but also somewhat relieved.It
dawned on me that Kirk was no longer interested in pursuing me, most
likely because he realized I was not the type of girl who would give in
to his physical wants.I was relieved by this because if
Kirk had no interest in continuing to pursue me, than I wouldn’t have to
worry about addressing the physical things.I was also crushed though, because I realized that we couldn’t have much of a friendship anymore either.It
broke my heart knowing that because I had invested so much into Kirk,
especially prayer wise, and I just want him to be a part of my life so
bad. It had become obvious though, that this would not be able to
happen, at least in the meantime.Kirk’s had a lot of maturing to do, especially spiritually.We
had two very different mindsets and ideas about things, we had very
little in common because of that and this is what caused the
conversations between us to be very shallow and almost non-existent.We could barely talk to each other about anything. If we did talk about stuff it was about alcohol.I
could only talk about that for so long before I got tired of it, but
unfortunately it had been such a big part of Kirk’s life that that is
about all he ever came up with to converse about.Really, I
think Kirk liked to keep conversations surface level anyways. Going
deep, I had noticed wasn’t really a comfortable thing for him to do. Sometimes I found myself wondering if he could even go there.
Well anyways, the week went on and I tried my best to put everything behind me.I told myself it was all for the best and tried to move on.College Fest was the next time I saw Kirk, which was just a few days later.I
went out there with Danna Zoe and Meredith when I saw a glimpse of Kirk
as we walked past him towards the hill where we girls liked to go and
sit while listening to the concert.I had my head turned away from him though, talking to Meredith so it would seem as if I didn’t see him.In my prayer Journal I commented about that instance saying…
“Father I don’t know how I get myself into situations like this? It’s so frustrating and gut-wrenching.I hate feeling like I have to ignore someone I care so much about.I mean it’s not like I’m head over heels in love with this boy but I have a very deep compassionate love for him.What makes it even harder is knowing that this compassionate love was placed in my heart by You!You placed this very strong within me and had me pray intently on his behalf.I just can’t help but wonder sometimes Father, when is it going to get easier? When are the prayers said on his behalf going to come through?When is Kirk going to realize the life he is living is destructive and turn back to You to find fulfillment?Will I ever be able to have a meaningful friendship with Kirk?I want all of these things for him so badly Lord.I want him to know You.I want the enemy to lose his grip over him.Lord, I know Kirk has to decide for himself that he wants those things too though before they will happen.The
enemy keeps trying to tell me my prayers have been in vain and have
been pointless because he has built such a strong hold on Kirk that Kirk
would never even want to leave his grip.I know those are lies though Father.If that was the case You would have not had me waste my time in praying for him.You
are so much stronger than any stronghold in Kirk’s life and You can
change even what seems to be even the most hopeless of lives.Nothing is impossible for You. Plus, Kirk has a lot going for him.He’s got a strong Christian family that loves him. He has the foundation that they have provided for him, and he has the prayers of not only his family, but others too. Lord, I believe what Your word says in 1 Corinthians 15:58, “Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you.Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is NOT in vain.”Father, I truly believe that.Not
one single prayer or outreach to Kirk (such as that letter You prompted
me to write and give to him this summer) has been in vain!I hold to that truth no matter what the enemy tries to tell me.He is a LIAR! He is the father of lies and You on the other hand are nothing but TRUTH.Please
forgive me Lord, for even giving a second thought to the thoughts he
has placed in my head, allowing him to make me doubt. Father, I thank
You for the uplifting hope that can be found through You; and not just a
hope that lingers as if it might occur, but a hope that we can be
certain of.You have a plan for this situation Lord, it is
obviously not completed yet but I know You will bring it to fruition,
because once again, nothing done in Your name is pointless! You will
come through in Your way and in Your timing.Please continue to give me patient endurance as I wait on You Father.I
know it is what I need to continue to follow in Your will so that I may
eventually receive all that You have promised (Hebrews 10:35-36).”
Anyways, back to that night of College Fest…I was sitting on the hill with Meredith and Danna when a friend from my hometown, Alberto, came walking by.He
came over and talked with me for a little while and then I left with
him to see some other people from back home who were out there with him
that night.As we were standing there Kale walked by.I hollered at him as he did, and he turned and smiled when he saw that it was me. Kale then came over and gave me a hug and started small talking with me.I
wanted to continue talking with him even more as he was starting to go
on, but he was headed back over to where Kirk was and I told Kale I
wasn’t sure if I should see Kirk that night.I wasn’t sure if I was in good standings with Kirk and I wanted to avoid any awkward encounters with him.I then proceeded to tell Kale a summary of what happened between Kirk and I.Kale told me I should just stay away from him; He said Kirk was “Bad News.”For a relationship, I would have to agree with him.Kale
and I had a Kirk venting session and hung out for most of that Friday
night. I did see Kirk once while I was hanging out with Kale.However, he probably didn’t remember.He was wasted, but he gave me a hug regardless.
The next night I went out with Danna and Meredith once again to the final night of College Fest.The crowd compared to the night before was basically non-existent.There was hardly anyone out there.I did see Kirk though.At first I tried to ignore him, but there is no way I wanted to go through what I went through the year before with him.It was hurtful when both of us began pretending that the other did not exist. So trying to avoid that, I sucked it up and thought I better go say hi.When I eventually did, he wasn’t stand offish but it was still a little weird.After small talking for a little bit I left his area and went on my own way.Later that night, I met up with him again though.I kept noticing how he would go from person to person trying to strike up a conversation.I
also noticed that all the guys he had come out there with were no
longer there, so I finally went up to Kirk and asked him what he was up
to.He said that everybody had left him.Every one of the guys that he came out there with was gone and here was Kirk so drunk he could barely stand up straight!It made my stomach turn just thinking about it.I then asked him, “Well how are you getting home?”“I got my keys,” he said.My response was “Umm No, I don’t think so.You can ride home with me.”I got him to agree with me on that, and he told me I could meet him inside later when it was time to go.
Well I don’t know what I was thinking but I let him go off on his own.As
I was sitting on that hill with Danna and Meredith my brain finally
kicked in though and I realized that he had his keys in his pocket and
could try to leave anytime he wanted to.Once I thought of that I went back out into the crowd trying to find him, but couldn’t see him anywhere.I finally gave up and started to head inside the Tumbleweed, hoping I could find him in there.I
was on my way inside when I noticed him sitting on a picnic table by
himself, cigarette in one hand, a pitcher of beer in the other.I was so relieved that I had found him. I went over and asked him what he was doing and he told me he was just listening to some Pat Green.I then asked him for his keys but he would not give them to me, he said he wouldn’t until it was time to go.I guess he thought I would make him leave before the concert ended.So anyways, we ended up sitting on the picnic table for about 30 minutes.I got to listen to him sing along with Pat Green, which was pretty entertaining!I
also got to watch him ride a mechanical bull that he insisted on riding
before we left, that was pretty entertaining too, although it didn’t
last very long!
It was kind of hard to watch him that night, as it had been many times before.It
never became easy watching him make such destructive choices for
himself, especially knowing he actively chose to make those decisions on
purpose, not seeing the danger in it all, or if he did, not caring
either way.By the end of the concert, I had Kirks arm
wrapped around my shoulder so that he would be able to walk and we
started heading for the parking lot.He finally gave me his keys and I drove his pickup to my house.When we got there he made me give him his keys back.I was nervous about doing that because I didn’t want him trying to leave my house in the state he was in.He told me he would not go to sleep until I gave him his keys though, and promised me that he wouldn’t leave.Well, I gave him his keys back trying to avoid conflict with him and prepared a place for him on the couch in my living room.He
crashed before I could really get it ready though, so I slipped off his
boots, put a blanket over him, and tucked a pillow beneath his head
before I headed back to my room.I slept with my door open that night.I
wanted to be able to hear Kirk if he attempted to leave. I was
concerned for him and I wanted to do my best to take care of him the
best that I could. I was glad that I had the opportunity to
take care of him that night and I hoped by doing so Kirk would realize
that no matter what he had done, even blowing me off completely just a
few days before, did not affect the way I cared about him.I had a feeling this wasn’t going to change much though.I figured the next day he would leave and he would still push me aside.I ended up being right too.After Kirk left my house that next morning I didn’t really hear from him at all afterwards. I didn’t know where I was supposed to go from there…
“Lord, what concerns me right now is the question of how am I to respond to Kirk?I know that I will see him around every once in a while around Stillwater.I can’t avoid him completely, nor do I want to. I
want to continue to be his friend, I don’t want to destroy my witness
for You, and I want to be able to demonstrate Your love to him through
myself.Lord, I know the way I attempted to show Your love to him before is probably not the way You would like me to though.Please correct me and show me how to bring the expression of Your love through me in the right way.Father,
please direct my actions and words as I come into contact with him and
help me not to fall into any traps laid out before me.Please do not let it become awkward at all, but help us to be comfortable around each other.Father,
even though right now is obviously not the time to develop a strong
friendship with Kirk, I pray that You would bless and protect the
friendship that we have currently.Protect it Lord, from the attacks from the enemy and help me to be the type of friend You intend for me to be for him.Lord, I thank You that You bend down Your ear to listen and that You care, that You are concerned.Thank You Lord for setting things in place already to bring about answers to these prayers.Thank You for loving me.Thank You for loving Kirk.Thank You for being interested in every detail of our lives.Speak clearly to us Father and let us see Your hand move in our lives. Please forgive us both for sinning against You.Please purify us with the blood You have shed.Purify us from all unrighteousness and redeem us of every consequence.Father,
I hurl down the accuser who is making accusations against us using the
word of our testimony, which says we have been redeemed by the sacrifice
in which You made on our behalf.Lord, I am not for sure where to go from here.I almost feel as if I had somewhat of a release from this whole situation, but not completely.Kirk still crosses my mind pretty often, I even have dreams about him,
and going to the farm doesn’t help me out much either. Lord, I will
continue to pray for him, but otherwise I am not sure what steps to take
because this has not turned out the way I was expecting it to.I need Your direction Father.I cannot see where my life is going, or what will come of all of this.Please
“Teach me, Lord, what You want me to do, and I will obey You
faithfully; teach me to serve You with complete devotion” (Psalm 86:11) I want the best for Kirk in this situation and also for myself and I know that can only come about by following Your leading.Please speak to me Father, give me Your Holy Spirit’s nudge and help me to clearly recognize Your voice.Lord, I truly love You and thank You for playing such a huge part in my life.I ask all that I have in the name of Yeshua and by the power of his shed blood.May Your glory be shown Father.–Amen.”
